Five Affirmations to Repeat Before Logging Into Your Dating Apps

Or applying for jobs, or querying literary agents...

I have not been single for four years, thank heavens. But I do spend 40 hours a week on dating apps. Paired with the imposter syndrome that lingers behind my computer as I query literary agents, I pretty much know the soul-crushing feeling that is rejection after rejection for no apparent reason. I’ve written about this before. But with a new year, I want to share some (potentially) helpful affirmations that help me through the querying process and may help you as you face rejection in any form. Yippee!

Try repeating them during a meditation, or just before you sit down and log into the ol’ Bumble. And let me know which one is your favorite!

1. Patience is confidence.

My favorite meditation is Johnathan Lehmann’s Morning Meditation with Music. His meditation includes an impressive seven affirmations, including this one:

“I cultivate patience, and by doing so, I also cultivate self-confidence.”

I shortened it to get to the point. It can be soul-crushing to swipe on a match or send a flirty message, and then stare at the screen as drool forms in your mouth. Why won’t they respond? What will they think? I don’t do this when I work for my clients, because I’m confident in the work I do for them. I am, however, guilty of breathlessly checking my email and QueryTracker for replies from agents, even though my email sounds off a very loud and very dramatic alert every time I receive an email. Until I remind myself that yes, I will hear back. Someone will like my work. I’m confident that my book will get published, one way or another. Have the confidence that you will hear back. Put down your phone. Shut your laptop. Patience is confidence.

2. The right person will find me at the right time.

The right person is enthusiastic about you and wants to help you achieve your dreams. This goes for partners, employers, agents, managers. They will seek you out when they’re ready. Maybe they’ve started their search or they’re starting it up next month. Doesn’t matter. Your paths will cross, and you’ll be happy they did.

I try to tell my clients I don’t remember the day before I met my partner. But there was a day before I met her, when I was probably discouraged by the apps and dating and being single. You will never know when that “day before” is. It’s just a normal day like today. And then your whole life changes.

3. I am in control of myself and nothing else.

You have to say this one with a smile on your face for it to work. To immediately prove itself right, you can either love this affirmation or fear it. Will you relinquish control of other people and delight in the journey along the way? Don’t look at me, I can’t answer that question for you. I am in control of myself and nothing else.

4. This will all make a wonderful story.

You know those dramatic stories that mega-successful people like to tell? "Tim Grover didn’t hear back from any Chicago Bulls player about being their personal trainer…except Michael Jordan.” “Thomas Edison failed 10,000 times before he figured out how to make a lightbulb.” “Everyone told Brad Pitt he was ugly until he became hot.” Whatever. Right? I don’t think I’ve made 10,000 attempts to do anything, besides encouraging my cat to not paw at my eyeballs while I’m sleeping. (He has his own room now.) And getting rejected from like, five agents doesn’t make a good story. Applying to a handful of jobs and not hearing back isn’t a good story. Getting ghosted by a few tech bros is probably the only experience that every single straight woman in Austin collectively share. So don’t let those discourage you. Keep going until your story is so dramatic it will make clickbait headlines or teach elementary school children about not giving up.

This affirmation was really meant to encourage people on bad dates that they can laugh about it later…but the first explanation is more inspiring, right?

5. The world still spins.

This is something my friend Marge says, and I use it more frequently than I should. The world will still spin if you get rejected. The world will still spin if you lay in bed all day because you just really need to. Social media makes it seem like the world is right within our grasp and if we don’t do something to address everything that’s happening in it, or do everything we can to have everything we want right in that moment, that we’re not doing enough. You are doing enough. You are enough. And whether or not someone else sees that today, or this week, or this month, or this year, the world will still spin.