Five Pet Peeves I Have Now That I Bumble for People
I can't keep track of everyone's love languages.
I am a ghostwriter. In my day job, I am a ghostwriter of Tinder, Bumble, Match, Hinge, OkCupid, SilverSingles, and OurTime messages. (Waiting on Raya. I just want to see it.) These pet peeves are probably due to the fact that I’m on the apps 40 hours a week, but if they’re a part of your Bumble game, I respectfully ask you to revaluate. #5 is controversial. (Does that motivate you to scroll through the whole post? 😂)
1. Not being able to choose a place.
Fellas, do you go to restaurants? Do you have places you like to visit? Have you been outside? I want to collect data on how rare it is for a guy to make a plan. When I practiced comphet, I picked date venues because I was impatient so I had the excuse to check out bars I hadn’t visited before. I didn’t realize how much of a favor I was doing these straight guys. Maybe this is just a pet peeve because I’ve got dates to schedule and information to send out and other dates to set up. But geez!
Positivity to Offset the Pet Peeves: Once, under the prompt “green flags I look for,” a woman recorded an answer naming countries with green in their flags. To this day, I don’t know if she was being serious or not but it makes me laugh every time I think about it.
2. “There’s pee in the dating pool.”
The reticular activating system (RAS) essentially tells your brain what to focus on. It’s why when you learn a new word, you suddenly hear it everywhere. It’s why when someone you like mentions a new TV show, you suddenly notice ads for it everywhere. The first time I read, “There’s pee in the dating pool,” I’ll admit, I laughed. But then I saw it everywhere, and I cringed. It’s not untrue - I once saw a 50-year-old man’s bathroom and there was literal pee in his toilet. (Can’t unsee it. Never will be able to.) But of all the complaints I’ve seen on dating profiles (all big no-nos!), this is the worst version.
Positivity to Offset the Pet Peeves: Back in my comphet days, Australia was the best place for dating profiles. I mean, every other man’s profile was just “I’m not here to f*ck spiders” but one guy wrote “I’m just here to look for my missing sister. We love you, Stacey. Mum misses you.” Assuming he is like the rest of Australia (a deeply unserious people), it’s one of the dumbest but funniest profiles I’ve ever seen. And I like laughing at stupid stuff, so I swiped right.
3. “Sapiosexual.”
The first time I read this, I rolled my eyes. The second time I read this, I asked what people who put this on their profile thought they were trying to do. If you’re the only person in your circle who wants to date or be around intelligent people, get a new circle. “Sapiosexual” is a waste of characters. No one is going to disqualify themselves after reading it.
Positivity to Offset the Pet Peeves: I see a lot of the same thing over and over. For example, I set a client up with three different “Bretts” in a row. (Not really Brett, but imagine another white guy’s name.) She’s marrying Brett #3.
4. “Just ask.”
If I didn’t have a job to do, I would ask. I would ask questions like,
Who’s your most annoying friend?
When was the first time you ever heard about Jimmy Hoffa?
If you were to join a cult, which cult would you join?
I wish I could ask all these questions but honestly, I don’t trust that people who write “just ask” on their profile would take the time to answer.
Positivity to Offset the Pet Peeves: I think I’m going to make a whole post of these questions, honestly. If you’ve ever lived or spent time with me, you know I have go-to questions that enrapture entire households, turn brother against brother, and bring strangers together. Yes, I’m talking “tie or fling.”
5. Love languages.
Okay, this is probably my most controversial one. To be fair, most people on dating apps only have to keep track of one person’s love languages. I can’t keep track of 20. And besides, I’m probably not going to send someone out on a date with someone just because they both enjoy physical touch. The more distrusting folks may believe that men just list “physical touch” so they can get away with some physical touch on a first date. I don’t believe that. But I don’t think there’s any point in using one of your three prompts to talk about the way you best like to receive love, to a bunch of people you probably don’t even like yet.
Positivity to Offset the Pet Peeves: Under “love languages,” one woman answered, “English, I guess.”