How to Not Suck On Dating Apps: Should We Feel Bad for Straight Men?
Spoiler alert: a lesbian is going to blame the patriarchy for all your dating problems.
How to Not Suck on Dating Apps is a little project (title still in the works) by me and comedian Zach Scheimer. He’s a dude, I’m a lady. He is single, I am not. I am gay, he is not. We spend a lot of time on dating apps and talking about dating apps.
Keep an eye out for more snarky advice!
In my job, I often feel I’m on the outside looking in. Or the inside looking out. Here I am, in my lesbian house with my lesbian housecoat on, sipping from an L Word coffee mug while Melissa Etheridge plays in the background. Before my girlfriend leaves to commute to work in our shared hybrid Subaru, I hand her a lunch bag filled with granola and say, “Look at all the mess out there.” Outside my window is a bunch of straight people whizzing past each other, looking for each other but never seeing each other. A man stumbles over asking his first date whether she wants to split the check, sweat forming on his brow. A woman rolls her eyes as she reads an Instagram post telling her never to talk to him again because men should still be picking up the check every time. A man practically pees himself at the idea that his potential partner could make more money than him. A woman asks if she’s making more money than him, when does she have to start splitting the bill?
As I sat among my lesbian friends one afternoon while writing this book, drinking chai and planning lesbian game nights, I had to admit to them: “I feel sympathy for straight guys.”
Didn’t expect that, did you? You’re reading this, thinking, “Hey! I wanted this bra-burning, man-hating lesbian to rip into the clueless, simple, stupid men on dating apps who aren’t making any moves and who aren’t courting me properly.” To which I refill my L Word coffee mug and shake my head.
Listen, I could rip into the dumb things that straight guys do on dating apps. I see at least 10 excruciatingly dumb profiles every day. But honestly, there are plenty of people already dragging men over the coals and laughing at them. I’m not going to do that. Be the change!
At some point, I think straight women making straight men the enemy can get weird. Isn’t the whole point that you want to date one? Reducing them to being clueless animals doesn’t make the dating process very sexy. Reducing them down to being clueless animals also feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. For centuries, (mostly straight, cisgender, white) men were allowed to get away with treating women however they wanted with no consequences. Undoing the traditions, rules, and cultural norms that gave men this power takes time. I also think it takes optimism and a mindset that views men as more than clueless animals.
I read a really interesting article by Hunt Etheridge recently about what’s going on with men. In short, many men are struggling to provide for their families. Wages aren’t increasing at the same prices as homes, the loneliness epidemic is hitting hard, and as a result, men are feeling more ashamed. I’ve seen this happen. A client of mine met a guy who she liked until he shot himself in the foot by expressing his insecurities about making less money than her. It was sad to watch. Mix this shame with the entitlement that men have been passed down over generations, and you get a stinky mess.
I can empathize with men who are finding it tough to fulfill the role they were given by these terrible systems that also put them on a pedestal. I want to be able to provide for my partner and family, too. Children are expensive. Living is expensive. Boo capitalism. But does that mean I can’t plan a date night for my girlfriend or treat her well? No! Straight men are still able to step up, provide, protect, etc. without picking up the check on the first date. Reading the article ultimately made me feel conflicted. What are straight women supposed to do about a guy feeling bad for himself? More emotional labor? Not entirely. But brushing them off as idiots doesn’t help, either.
I don’t think straight men are clueless. I think they’re just confused. And straight women are confused, too. That’s why they’re looking for advice on what to do if a guy offers to split the bill or he isn’t the breadwinner. Times are changing, and dating is changing, and that’s probably for the best. We can all be confused together, and we can all be in this together without calling the other side names. Straight men aren’t the enemy. Capitalism is. Patriarchy is. We have to dismantle these systems together, and that’s not going to happen by abiding by old rules or being passive-aggressive or shying away from having conversations about money, equality, and dating norms. It’s going to happen with collaboration, communication, and confidence in how you want to be treated in your relationship. The same systems that taught men to pay for every day taught women their opinion isn’t worth as much as a man’s.
Does that mean women now pay for first dates and pull chairs out for men and if you’re not a stay-at-home dad, you’re a pig? No. It just means that if you want a guy to pick up the tab, tell him. If he offers to split? Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Work with your first date to find a solution for both of you. Isn’t that what being a partner is about?