How to Not Suck on Dating Apps: The One Piece of Dating Advice I Have For Straight Men
Are you ready for it?
How to Not Suck on Dating Apps is a little project (title still in the works) by me and comedian Zach Scheimer. He’s a dude, I’m a lady. He is single, I am not. I am gay, he is not. We spend a lot of time on dating apps and talking about dating apps.
Keep an eye out for more snarky advice!
I have hit a fun milestone: 600 first dates. For anyone new to this Substack, let me clarify that I have not gone on 600 first dates. Since April (when I started keeping track,) I have set up 600 first dates in my job as an online dating profile manager.
By the end of the year, I will have set up 1,000.
Most (close to all) of these dates have been between straight men and straight women. And 600 dates later, I have just one question for straight men:
Can you pick a place?
*Steps on Soapbox*
Dating can be fun. I promise. Back in my single days, I enjoyed first dates at:
Bluegrass Night in Austin, Texas
Rooftop drinks overlooking City Hall in Saigon
A food truck park in Santiago
Bars all over Melbourne
I might not have gone to any of these places alone. Fortunately, I am seeing someone who finds new places for us to check out on our travels (shout out to Crank Arm Brewing in Raleigh) and who joins me when I want to go to the new Cosmic in Austin or see a show at SXSW. But if you are single, first dates can be a great way to try out a new coffee shop, brewery, or activity that you’ve been meaning to check out.
When I set up dates for clients (primarily straight women), I ask their matches to pick a location, because a lot of these matches are straight men. When they can’t choose a place, I get so frustrated. Do you not have a coffee shop that you like to go to? Have you not been to a bar recently?
What do you want to do in your free time?
The One Piece of Dating Advice I Have For Straight Men
Pick. A. Place. Make. A. Plan.
I understand that straight men have their own obstacles when it comes to dating, but as I’ve written, these are issues caused by capitalism and the patriarchy that also affect straight women. If a man wants to step up and show he’s a man to a potential date, he doesn’t have to foot the bill. He can just make a plan and confidently share it.
Guys, you might be shocked at how impressive that can be.
How to Plan Your First Date, No Matter Who You Are
I say this all even though I had no qualms about planning dates when I dated men. I’m not saying all men should plan dates. Not at all. But as anyone who has struggled with picking a place for a date knows, it’s a heck of a lot easier when someone steps up and makes a plan.
Here’s how to do it.
Have a plan ready. Take two seconds to think of a coffee shop and a bar where you can grab drinks with a first date. Don’t have them? Use Google. Have those places handy so when you’re ready to ask someone out, you can suggest them (and a date/time). Even if it’s not the perfect place, it’s a place. The effort is highly appreciated.
(Need suggestions for Austin date nights? I might be able to help you…)
Remember that the rules have changed. I ask straight guys to make a plan because it’s appreciated, but it’s not (man)datory. Men can ask women on a date. Women can ask men on a date. Men can ask women on a second date. Women can ask men on a second date. Don’t make assumptions and don’t wait around if you’re ready to meet someone. If you want your match to ask you on a date or pick a place, tell them.
Will you have to pay for drinks? The debate rages on about who should pay for a first date. Some people believe men should always pay. Some people think we are heading toward a world where two people go Dutch, every time. As a compromise, many folks rely on the rule that whoever asks the other person out pays for the drink.
Every person, and every person they go on a date with, may have a different opinion. And rather than rely on rules that your date may not be aware of or choose to follow, the splitting (or not-splitting) of the check depends on what both of you feel comfortable with doing.
Oh no.
Does that mean you’re going to have to pay for drinks?
Is the date going to cost you money?
Will you have to pay money to enjoy a cocktail made by someone relying on your tips to pay their mortgage?
Maybe. Maybe. Yes, that is how bars work.
You might have to pay for drinks, sure. But aren’t you on this date so you can spend the rest of your life with someone? Someone with whom you’re going to make compromises on (presumably) some of the biggest financial decisions of your life? Someone with whom may require you to make sacrifices (and will make sacrifices for you) because like, that’s the whole thing about partnership and marriage and life?
Who cares if you have to pay for drinks or make a plan or do a little bit of work on a first date? Even a $15 cocktail pales in comparison to the commitment you will eventually make to someone (or multiple people) for the rest of your life.
And if you don’t want to do the work of paying for a date or picking a place or compromising once and a while…
…why the heck are you dating in the first place?